Experiment #3: Dream-Job Shadow and Service Without Agenda

I've always done the job that earned me just enough to cover my basic living expenses plus dinner out now and then, while providing flexibility and peace of mind. I was taught early on to provide for myself as much as possible and not to rely on anyone else for anything.

What started as a day job to cover living expenses while I performed my music in bars turned into a 25 year career raising money for non profits.

It allowed me to travel domestically and internationally, pursue a master's degree for free by working for a few years at an institution that covered it, and to work from home for over a decade.

I've had many bosses; some were great and others not so great (only two were actually diabolical, including my most recent; a pretty good yield for a 25 year career!).

But the job has always felt like a mask that looked just enough like me to pass but wore me down inside and out, year by year.

I’m not the kind of person who can leave work at work. I’m not actively on my computer after 5, but the job is always on my mind. Relationship development - the key skill required for effective, high-level fundraising - is like that. Kind of like how you think about your friends when you’re not with them, you think about the donor relationships you’re building that may culminate in a meaningful gift to the institution you care about.

So when this job that was supposed to feel good started to give me crippling stress and anxiety I was forced to stop and examine what the fuck went wrong. Turns out what went wrong was me not listening to that inner voice saying “this is not you! stop!”

I think the voice started when I was in college and doing Sierra Club canvasing. The money was peanuts and I was terrible at it but some kids I liked were doing it and it felt nice to have a little extra money for weed or whatever. It was all wrong for me but I thought to myself, I’m 19, nothing is going to feel “right” just yet, I don’t even know who I am yet.

Then my mom died when I was 20. I loved her so much. I fell apart and dropped out. Somehow I eventually went back and graduated. I don’t know how but I did it.

After that I lived very fully for a while: I played music “professionally” meaning I had residencies and one-off gigs in bars for a few years that paid enough for my parking and drinks, and now and then I could even cover my rent but not much more.

I buckled down and got a day job as an assistant at a university development office, pretty much just for the benefits. I supported myself right out of college. I could afford my own apartment and paid all my bills on time.

That job turned into another, then another, then another, and after a few years I found myself on a career track in fundraising that culminated in the post I’m currently on medical leave from.

I’ve said and done all the things you say and do to successfully climb the ladder. I’ve worked at multiple major institutions, household names, in important-sounding roles. It all was supposed to feel so great, like, you worked so hard and finally made it to the pinnacle of this little world of fundraising, now you can just enjoy it!

But it only took one crazy ass micromanager of a boss to derail me. I realized after all that time I had never stopped and asked myself, regardless of this particular troll, is this what I actually want? Is this what I’m really doing till I retire? This feels all kinds of wrong. And my body backed that up as evidenced in Experiment #2.

The Dream-Job Shadow: Flower Farming

I started gardening in 2017 when I finally had my very own yard to experiment in. I loved it. Outside of music, gardening - especially growing flowers - was the first place where I experienced flow. I kept it in my life as a hobby but always wondered, is this the thing? Is this where I belong? But it wasn’t practical. No way I could earn enough to live the life I thought I wanted. And also I didn’t want to make gardening about money.

Still…when I now finally had the opportunity to learn what an actual job surrounded all day by flowers would feel like, I jumped on it! My garden was a featured stop on our local annual garden tour this year and an actual flower farmer showed up. I asked about her farm and she lit up, saying how guilty she feels being able to do work that brings her so much joy when so many others are struggling in roles that bring everything but. I asked her if I could shadow her this summer and learn more about how the farm works and she said yes!

So I’ve been going to the flower farm!

It’s the most beautiful place, rows and rows of all colors and shapes and sizes of flowers. Just flowers, nothing but flowers.

She and her team taught me about how the foraging process works, the categorization, the storage, drying, arranging, even product-making. It has been marvelous. Hard work! But feels so good.

Now that I've had a glimpse of that life, I’m not sure the actual farming of flowers is the thing for me. But I sure did enjoy the flower arranging side of the operation. My mentor showed me how to select for color and shape in a bouquet, then taught me a trick for mass bouquet production to fulfill large orders for events or retailers. It was so satisfying, creative, and meditative all at once.

Conclusion: I would be happy to be paid to do this kind of work!

Service without Agenda: Volunteering at the Animal Shelter

On the non-paying side of things, I also used the past experiment period to volunteer for a cause I care deeply about: animal welfare. I have a regular shift at the local animal shelter where I am assigned to support the feline team. I clean litter boxes, wash dishes, do laundry, sweep, mop, clean cages, and my very very favorite: socialize the cats and kittens. I get to hold and play with the kitties for a portion of every shift. It is oxytocin overload. I don’t know how people work there all day and aren't just holding five cats the entire time.

I remember my conversation with Andrew from Experiment #1 with regards to volunteering: just find the thing you care about, put yourself in the middle of it, and be useful. See what happens. And that’s just what I did.

What “happened” was I felt like I was part of something bigger, helping these faultless creatures, working alongside others who share a love of animals. I leave each shift knowing the snuggles and play time I provided means they’ll be more likely to be noticed and adopted by loving families.

Dishes and laundry at home feel like thankless, never ending tasks. But at the shelter these mundane tasks felt downright important. If I didn’t do them, what would the kittens have to sleep on or eat from?

It has just been so damn rewarding. I’ll keep showing up for my shifts until they kick me out!

Lessons from Experiment #3

I’m learning that I am not what I do.

I am what I think, what I intend, and what I enable.

• When arranging flowers: I think about beauty and balance. My intention is to make something that makes someone smile. I enable joy.

• When caring for animals: I think about fragile, beautiful creatures. My intention is to make life softer while they wait for forever homes. I enable peace and possibility.

• When fundraising (now): I think about survival. My intention is to endure long enough to cash out vacation time and drop the mic. I enable a certain lifestyle, but also extreme burnout.

Can you guess which feels better?

Fundraising used to give me a jolt, closing a gift that changed lives. But at this level, those moments are few and far between. Now it’s just performance reviews, Zoom calls, and institutional responses to global crises.

This career has wrung me dry. The work matters, but someone else will do it better and maybe even enjoy it. Let them have it.

Conclusion: Mic drop.

So now that I have felt what truly rewarding work feels like, and knowing that I am capable of learning new things and contributing in different ways, my conclusion is that I will not be carrying on with this current career a minute longer than absolutely necessary to meet my financial goals.

And with that I am excited to introduce my next analysis, Experiment #4: Redefining Enough, in which I’ll explore and math-out exactly what it takes to live well and feel free.

It won’t be a one-size-fits-all budget but I will be as transparent as possible in sharing numbers, goals, tools, and resources, so that anyone reading can see this is a real person making real choices to live a real life with less of the crap and more of the freedom.

I’ve already made big changes in my spending and it’s actually not so bad! I’m feeling like financial freedom is within reach, and meanwhile, I’ve identified a type of role where I can contribute and feel fulfilled. And there are so many more out there.

Even if the feel-good job may pay less in dollars than my current one, my fancy-ass job has actually become quite expensive in the ways that matter most, severely damaging my physical, emotional, and mental health. In fact, if I added up my stress-related healthcare bills over the course of my career I wouldn’t be surprised if they tilted the balance sheet in the favor of the lower paying, feel-good job.

So join me next month when I share my results from living way more while spending way less.

Thank you for reading!